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I have no idea where to start with this it's all a big mess in my head so I guess I'll ramble until it all comes out.
So I don't know what to think about Daniel, I love him very much but lately I have been very confused. I have been not such a great girlfriend and have done some snooping through his facebook and myspace and all that. I have found a bunch of LOOOONG and very emotional letters saying how much he misses her and loves her and wants a second chance. I understand that these letters are dated at least 2 years ago but it still bothers me. He says he hates her and is angry and hurt and wants her gone, yet he still has pictures, in which the captions state " I fucking love this girl " among very similar things.
The other thing that bothers me about that, and this will probably come off as very selfish, but he has notes after notes after notes exclaiming how she is always there for him and is his strength and all that noise. But in our relationship he has fixed and broken his car multiple times, gone to court and was sentenced with community service, was so hard up for a job that he took a road side assistance job which he was on call 24/7 which meant that we couldn't have a real date for fear, and near guarantee, that it would be interrupted and we would have to run all over the city, and now he has gotten in trouble AGAIN and is possibly going to jail for a max of 70 days. ( this is where the selfish part comes in ) He has never done that for me, not a letter or a message, even if it just said 'thanks' i got nothing. He was always ranting how poor of a girlfriend she was yadda yadda yadda. I mean I have put myself through so much for him, i mean it takes a toll on me as well but I still do my best to be supportive.
When he first got in trouble and kept his potential jail time between us ( I wasn't allowed to tell ) it tore me up inside, I couldn't talk to him cause he would get all depressed, and made me feel bad for asking. But I had no idea what was going on so I was completely in the dark and all I know is that my boyfriend, the love of my life, was going to jail.

I guess I just don't feel appreciated at all, I dunno I'm just lost and not sure what to feel.

Current Location: My dorm
Current Music: Bittersweet----Apocolyptica

wow it has been a long time since I have posted....

So a few things have been going for me, good and bad, and yet I feel that there is such an equal balance between the two I dont feel anything but numb....

so I have a boyfriend now, figures ( I'm never without one ) he's pretty chill. I mean I have my qualms, I can't seem to find anyone perfect...but it's ok cause perfection is boring. There are flaws with everyone but I just need to deal with them. I mean I can, it's just a matter of if it is worth dealing with them... only time will tell.

school is going well, i had a chem test I think I did well there were 2 questions that I didn't know at all and a few that I wasn't sure on. I think I did poorly. I hope I didn't I would be disapointed, but my grade would represent the amount of work and effort that I put in. Cause it sure as shit wasn't that much.

Well XC is going much better I had a race in Wilmington on Friday, I PR'ed at 24 minutes and 10 seconds. I was very proud.

I have gained way to much weight I'm up to 128 now... FUCK that sucks.
I need to work on that, I will be thin.
Ate a decent breakfast and then a shitty lunch ( tasted great but blew nutritionally )
So I decided to skip dinner, that went well. It was pizza with Harvey and Oakley, I like cheese pizza so I'm proud that I turned it down. Hungry as hell, will prolly just start drinking water.

anyway I feel nothing right now, just very numb and starting to get irratated with everything and everyone, hope this ends soon...

Current Mood: indifferentindifferent

 fuck fuck fuck

this blows

Current Mood: pissed offpissed off

 So there have been thoughts racing in my head....and of course they are about Trey, Well the ones that are in my voice and the ones that make sense are at least.

I think back to who I was and I didn't recognize myself...If he had met me now he would love me


Im happy.

Why is that?

I don't have the stress I was dealing with before. I didn't even know it was there till it was gone. What was this stress do you ask? Well of course nothing enjoys fucking things up for me more than that son of a whore Joe Dunegan. He had been threatening to tell my mother about my body piercings. And I didn't realize how much this affected me untill he actually went and did it. Not shit happened my mom and I talked about it and I still have them. He tried to ruin my life and yet he failed.

How did he fail?

Well becuase of this my mom has relized that I am an adult and that I am going to do what ever the fuck I want to do. So my  mom and I are closer...So I guess he did do things that were good for me. At least this one thing

........................I digress ..........................

I believe that this stress/fear and me sunken inside myself. Yeah I should have informed him of this but I didn't. But   I think that is because i wasn't aware of what was going on in my subconscious. I wish I had....

any way if wishes were fishes we'd starve. 

I don't know wether to write him an email or to wait till I get to Raleigh to talk to him in person. He is big on "feeling" emotion and the true motives of people. I believe if I can get him one on one he will see that I am serious. 

Here is my delima I have been quick to jump to a decision and not rationalize it so that is what I am going to do. I am going to give it at least a week to sit and think of what I want to say or write and then slowly compile those thoughts and either sit down and talk with him or write him a letter. I hope I can talk in person with him....

Well I had origionally started this to brainstorm ideas for my conversation/letter I had thought of a ton of things I wanted to talk about when I was at work, but of course when I actually sat down to write them down they flew out my ears... 

So I do apologize that this makes no damn sense....

 So I was too little too late, he's gone. I waited to long, I can admit that I was hesistant because I feared rejection. But the early bird gets the worm and she has him now. He's a great guy and she will be very very happy with him. But damn I want to be her...

 Welp, looking back I realize that I wrote some pretty nasty things about Trey... 
Yeah that was dumb. Thinking back he was a great guy. Yeah he had his "addictions" but I facilitated his gaming. I could have spoke up and said no watch a movie with me...
So plain and simple I want him back, he was amazing...

                  SO many memories

That night we sat on the beach and I cried
that time we tried to dance but were to trashed and just fell over and laid on the floor and laughed
he made me dinner and had my favorite ice cream on the first date
The time he taught me to play Left 4 Dead and actually said I was nearly decent enough to play with him... a compliment believe me :D
When he helped me move out of school, yeah he wasn't too happy but he still did it anyway.
When he would come home from work and I would be soo excited to be there with dinner made and his drink, just waiting for my kiss.

There are so many more that I just can't write them all down. I usually remember them at random times through out my day. I never told him how much I apprecaited his help with my chem work, even though he got frustrated with me, he was a big help. Yeah I have an issue with letting he said she said bullshit and I let it get to me and Trey and I had our first argument and sadly it was our last.

I hate hate hate the fact that I picked Joe over him. that was a terrible idea. I allowed Joe to get in my head and fuck with it, he succeeded in manipulating me. I feel like a fool because of it. He succeeded in ruining what I had, as he planed all along.

I wish I could tell Trey these things, I mean I tried but he has just ignored me since....
which hurts more than anything. I do still care greatly, I just want him to know, I wish someone could tell him how I feel, but its my bed and i have to sleep in it or how ever that saying goes. I wish I could go back and do things differently but starting over isn't what life is about. I have to learn from my mistakes and hope for forgivness. 

I want it back, I want him back, I want to lay on his fouton and watch him play his games, I want to make him dinner again and then wash the dishes, I want to walk his dog, and make his drinks.... I just want him.

But I failed at this one....so it looks like im all alone again. I ruined an amazing thing, which i seem to do quite frequently.

Again I just wish there is some way he could know....


Current Mood: determined

 So I talked to Joe today and he is the worst human being I have ever met...
I really wish I could beat the hell out of him but that wouldn't solve anything, so I wont. I will be happy and be successfull and he will see me living my life and wish he could be in it. AHHHHH im just shaky on the inside and im so mad.....

 So I spend all last night by myself...well Trey is in the room but he is so wrapped up in WoW that I'm pretty much alone....and then he works all day so I'm alone then too and guess what the first thing he does when he gets home? Sits down and starts to play WoW again...I'm thinking there is a slight problem here....I feel that I'm here to wait on him other than that I should disappear....I really hate it and hope that the eniter WoW server explodes....well not really that would ruin the enjoyment of many people, perhaps they know how to balance time.... The thing that gets me is I go home in a  few days and I wont see him for months....but that doesn't matter to him....he would rather fight the same damn monster which he has already beaten...I wonder if I left how long would it take him to realize that I didn't come back? Prolly at least an hour cause thats how long it takes him to finish a drink and then hes rattleling the ice in his cup for me to get up and make him another... So i'm his bartender and he doesn't even fucking tip....gah it makes me mad and sad and just GGRRRRR...... I really hate it.... I don't know if this relationship will continue much longer....I don't want to be alone though.... but i need to learn to handle that... oh what to do?

Do you seek attention or hide from it?

well I would like to think that I am a self sustainable human but I have come to realize that this is not the case.....It all started when I began dating Trey and I found out that he plays video games upwards of 6 hours every night, mainly World of Warcraft, and in the beginning I was perfectly content to just dick around on the computer and do nothing. well as time progressed i started to realize that I don't like being ignored. I don't need constant attetnion but his night consists of making dinner, playing games and while playing getting staggeringly drunk untill 6+ hours later he teeters off to bed. I mean I consider myself to have the attention needs of a cat. I mean a  dog needs constant attention in playing and petting and walking etc.... and with a fish you just have to feed once a day and turn a light on. But a cat needs to be fed and is perfectly content to do their own thing but would like to be petted once and a while....I find myself to be in this cat mentality but I have been forced into being a fish....and cats dont like little bowls. This has gotten rather rambly and I apologize....but to answer the question i don't find myself craving attention its more of the fact that I cant stand to be ignored....

Current Mood: depresseddepressed

Do you seek attention or hide from it?

Current Mood: confusedconfused
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